When I saw the undercover video exposing Planned Parenthood, I was horrified. I tried to get as far away from the TV as possible. Tears began to flow and I ended up on the floor face down, completely undone. Where did that come from? It had been 34 years since my own abortion when I was 19. I didn’t cry about it anymore. I had since become a follower of Jesus and knew I was forgiven. But hearing of babies being dissected and body parts sold was a shock. In that moment, I was unable to disconnect from my own pain anymore. Something shook loose. I have three beautiful children and it’s still hard to think about the one I chose to kill. Did they dissect him also? I felt confused and angry. Attempts at ignoring this were impossible. Self-condemnation and deep shame were too strong. Mostly, my heart hurt. I thought about who he could have been and how he could have affected our family. I robbed him of life. I felt like an awful person.

I had lunch with a friend who works for Care Net Peninsula and told her about that moment. She was among only a handful of people I’ve told about my abortion. When she encouraged me to consider joining the upcoming abortion healing Bible study, I felt very vulnerable. It’s over and done. Honestly, I felt I deserved to have to live with this. After much thought, however, I decided to go.

I was uncomfortable walking in that first night, but after meeting everyone in the small group I felt better. It was a very comfortable environment and I felt good about taking it one meeting at a time.

I grew to LOVE the women in my group. We were all so different yet bound together by our decision to abort our children. I listened to their stories. I cried over their pain. I relentlessly prayed for their healing. I was angry with those around them who failed to protect their hearts (and their babies!)… parents, husbands, boyfriends! I was angry at our culture which fostered an industry which damages women, men and children. My husband took this journey with me and revisited his own hand in this awful decision.

It became clear to me as the weeks went by that I had work to do. I harbored anger and contempt. I did not have compassion or tears for myself. I processed things in my head, but disconnect from my heart. Why do I have little memory of the procedure itself? Why all of a sudden do I feel so sad? Years of stuffing the pain did not make it go away.

By coming to this Care Net Peninsula program, I finally reflected on the trauma that I went through 34 years ago. I learned to come out of hiding and not let shame cause me to hide from the One who wants to heal me. My children now know. This is a relief. I feel free. I am thankful to have found Care Net Peninsula. I am the mother of four. I can say that out loud and feel sadness, but not despair.